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I kissed a toad.
Toad venom? You want me to smoke toad venom? Are you crazy? I've never done a psychedelic in my life, and this is where you think I should begin? I need to think about this! And do lots of research!
And I did, and then I decided it was time for me to try this experience, as crazy as it seemed. On Feb. 7th, 2017, I launched into an deeper state of consciousness, and the experience changed my life, in ways I never could have imagined. It was the beginning of a 4+ year journey of healing childhood trauma, overcoming depression and negative self-talk, and finally understanding what it means to love myself. The Toad medicine, along with ayahuasca, mushrooms, MDMA, marijuana, and many others can be powerful ways to access the subconscious, but it's not for everyone, and it needs to be taken seriously. I highly recommend Michael Pollan's book, How to Change Your Mind, for more details about these and other medicines.
I also recommend Erowid.com and Maps.com (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Therapy) for more great information on this topic. If you are still curious after that, simply google Psychedelic Therapy, and you will find a slew of research, information, and shared experiences. Psychedelics aren't just for partying; and in my opinion, should not be used in that way at all, because of the intense experiences they evoke. But they are a powerful and often much faster way to heal than traditional talk therapy, but needs to be done in the right set and setting with a sitter or friend who understands their role in the healing process. If you are interested in this path but do not have access to a trained sitter, check out this book Psychedelic Psychotherapy.
I hope that sharing my story of transformation might help others to find the courage to heal their pain and find a path to self-love, acceptance, and inner peace. Thanks for reading.
Forbes article about Toad Medicine
And I did, and then I decided it was time for me to try this experience, as crazy as it seemed. On Feb. 7th, 2017, I launched into an deeper state of consciousness, and the experience changed my life, in ways I never could have imagined. It was the beginning of a 4+ year journey of healing childhood trauma, overcoming depression and negative self-talk, and finally understanding what it means to love myself. The Toad medicine, along with ayahuasca, mushrooms, MDMA, marijuana, and many others can be powerful ways to access the subconscious, but it's not for everyone, and it needs to be taken seriously. I highly recommend Michael Pollan's book, How to Change Your Mind, for more details about these and other medicines.
I also recommend Erowid.com and Maps.com (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Therapy) for more great information on this topic. If you are still curious after that, simply google Psychedelic Therapy, and you will find a slew of research, information, and shared experiences. Psychedelics aren't just for partying; and in my opinion, should not be used in that way at all, because of the intense experiences they evoke. But they are a powerful and often much faster way to heal than traditional talk therapy, but needs to be done in the right set and setting with a sitter or friend who understands their role in the healing process. If you are interested in this path but do not have access to a trained sitter, check out this book Psychedelic Psychotherapy.
I hope that sharing my story of transformation might help others to find the courage to heal their pain and find a path to self-love, acceptance, and inner peace. Thanks for reading.
Forbes article about Toad Medicine
Psychedelic Struggle
Most people, including myself, struggle with something in their lives. Relationships, career, health, family, spirituality, financial aspects of life; sometimes all of the above. I’m not yet sure about why so many of us struggle with these things, but based on the multi-billion dollar self-help industry, it’s not an easy fix. Some people address their struggle head on through therapy or other healing modalities like hypnotherapy, personal growth workshops, reading books, etc., and some push it down or numb out through excessive use of alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, internet, sex, work, obsessive exercise, or some other unhealthy habit, behavior, or activity, because they don’t have the resources, desire, or the courage to figure out the root cause of their pain so they can move past it.
How many people do you know who are stuck in a job they hate, but they don’t do anything about it? Or, are in a relationship they aren’t happy with, but they can’t seem to break it off nor address the issues to make things better? Do you know people who consume a bottle of wine (or other libation) every night, and numb out in front of the TV or pick a fight with their partner or take out their frustrations on their partner, family, friends or themselves? Do you struggle with something in your life? How do you deal with it? Do you talk about it? Hold it inside? Pretend everything is just fine? Or maybe you are one of those rare individuals who accept life as it is, roll with the punches, and are content with your job, health, relationships and family. (if this is you, I’d love to talk to you and learn your secret!)
I am not one of those people, but there have been many days when I wished to God that I was. I just wanted to “be normal” (whatever that means!) I wish I was the type of person who accepted myself for who I am, and had the capacity to ride the waves of life’s ups and downs without becoming overwhelmed, like my husband and a few friends seemed to be able to do. But that is not my path, and as soon as I accepted that, things shifted. I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, relationship and self-esteem issues for most of my life, and only in the past few years was I finally able to begin to understand the root cause/core wound/childhood trauma that caused these issues, and being on the path to healing. It took a lot of persistence and courage, and it’s on-going, but I believe that by sharing my story, I might be able to help others who are struggling. Thanks for joining me on this journey.
How many people do you know who are stuck in a job they hate, but they don’t do anything about it? Or, are in a relationship they aren’t happy with, but they can’t seem to break it off nor address the issues to make things better? Do you know people who consume a bottle of wine (or other libation) every night, and numb out in front of the TV or pick a fight with their partner or take out their frustrations on their partner, family, friends or themselves? Do you struggle with something in your life? How do you deal with it? Do you talk about it? Hold it inside? Pretend everything is just fine? Or maybe you are one of those rare individuals who accept life as it is, roll with the punches, and are content with your job, health, relationships and family. (if this is you, I’d love to talk to you and learn your secret!)
I am not one of those people, but there have been many days when I wished to God that I was. I just wanted to “be normal” (whatever that means!) I wish I was the type of person who accepted myself for who I am, and had the capacity to ride the waves of life’s ups and downs without becoming overwhelmed, like my husband and a few friends seemed to be able to do. But that is not my path, and as soon as I accepted that, things shifted. I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, relationship and self-esteem issues for most of my life, and only in the past few years was I finally able to begin to understand the root cause/core wound/childhood trauma that caused these issues, and being on the path to healing. It took a lot of persistence and courage, and it’s on-going, but I believe that by sharing my story, I might be able to help others who are struggling. Thanks for joining me on this journey.
Am I psycho?
My journey to inner peace wasn’t easy, and although I now have many more “good days” than “bad”, it’s an ongoing practice. There were days when I wanted to give up, call it quits, run away, crawl into a hole, or snap my fingers and make all my inner struggles disappear. It was frustrating, confusing, difficult, and exhausting. I’d attend a workshop/have a therapy session/take a psychedelic/read a book, have a breakthrough, and think, YAY! I’m healed! I figured it out! And then, a few days/weeks/months later, something else would trigger me and pull me back into a funk, and I’d begin the process over again to figure out the source of my new pain. Rinse and repeat.
I wondered if I had become addicted to self-help, and feared that I would never access the peace I craved. I wanted my inside to match the outside because to the outside observer, my life appeared to be pretty good. I went to college, got a good job, had lots of friends, got married, had two kids, and was living in Silicon Valley. My husband had a good job, so once the kids came along, I had the choice to work or stay home with them, or do a little of both, which is what I ended up doing.
I opened an art studio where I taught expressive art classes, created and hosted a TV show about art, and sold lots of my work. How blessed I was! I had everything I thought I wanted, it was a good life. So, when I found myself locked in my bedroom, curled up in a ball on my bed crying my eyes out for “no good reason,” with my kids standing outside the door asking if I was ok, it made no sense to me. I was very confused about why I was so sad, so I didn’t share my depressive episodes with anyone, at least, not for a while. These feelings stayed with me all day every day, but I was good at covering them up. I put a smile on my face, took care of my kids, went on vacation, hosted parties, and tried to push down my pain. But as you might guess, I was unsuccessful. As they say, what we resist, persists.
It was years before I found the courage to begin therapy and explore other ways of getting to the root of my pain, so I could break my patterns of negative internal voices. During this process, I discovered there were others who experienced similar thoughts and feelings, so I felt less alone, less damaged, less messed up.
One of the reasons why I felt “crazy” and that my feelings were not valid/logical, was because I was married to someone who had never experienced depression so he just couldn’t understand why I was feeling so bad. And at the time, I was unable to properly express how I felt, nor ask for what I needed, as far as support. So in addition to negative thought patterns about myself, I began to think negatively about him. Why wasn’t he being more supportive? If he would just be more attentive/loving/understanding, all my pain would go away. I later learned this is a common pattern of someone who is codependent, a word that was not in my vocabulary at the time. I began the cycle of blaming someone or something outside myself for my internal pain. It wasn’t until much later that I realized the flaw in this line of thinking, but at the time, all I could focus on was “it’s all his fault. If only he would change, everything would be ok.”
My pattern of thinking became as follows: “I’m not happy in this relationship. But, I am not happy with myself either. Therefore, any relationship I might enter into will end up being the same. I will be unhappy. So I should just stay here, because he’s a good guy, he loves me, and I didn’t want to break up our family.” But there was a part of me that wondered if this was really true. I kept coming back to the same question: Is it ME, or is it US? Am I capable of being in a happy, healthy relationship? Am I capable of love at all? Did I love him? What does love even feel like? What does love mean to me? I questioned everything, and I’m still seeking answers to those questions.
At some level, I knew that if I were to ever find the solution to this rubik's cube, I’d have to start with looking inside myself for answers because as I wanted it to be all his fault, the answers weren’t “out there”, they were inside myself. That said, I needed help, so I began my quest.
I wondered if I had become addicted to self-help, and feared that I would never access the peace I craved. I wanted my inside to match the outside because to the outside observer, my life appeared to be pretty good. I went to college, got a good job, had lots of friends, got married, had two kids, and was living in Silicon Valley. My husband had a good job, so once the kids came along, I had the choice to work or stay home with them, or do a little of both, which is what I ended up doing.
I opened an art studio where I taught expressive art classes, created and hosted a TV show about art, and sold lots of my work. How blessed I was! I had everything I thought I wanted, it was a good life. So, when I found myself locked in my bedroom, curled up in a ball on my bed crying my eyes out for “no good reason,” with my kids standing outside the door asking if I was ok, it made no sense to me. I was very confused about why I was so sad, so I didn’t share my depressive episodes with anyone, at least, not for a while. These feelings stayed with me all day every day, but I was good at covering them up. I put a smile on my face, took care of my kids, went on vacation, hosted parties, and tried to push down my pain. But as you might guess, I was unsuccessful. As they say, what we resist, persists.
It was years before I found the courage to begin therapy and explore other ways of getting to the root of my pain, so I could break my patterns of negative internal voices. During this process, I discovered there were others who experienced similar thoughts and feelings, so I felt less alone, less damaged, less messed up.
One of the reasons why I felt “crazy” and that my feelings were not valid/logical, was because I was married to someone who had never experienced depression so he just couldn’t understand why I was feeling so bad. And at the time, I was unable to properly express how I felt, nor ask for what I needed, as far as support. So in addition to negative thought patterns about myself, I began to think negatively about him. Why wasn’t he being more supportive? If he would just be more attentive/loving/understanding, all my pain would go away. I later learned this is a common pattern of someone who is codependent, a word that was not in my vocabulary at the time. I began the cycle of blaming someone or something outside myself for my internal pain. It wasn’t until much later that I realized the flaw in this line of thinking, but at the time, all I could focus on was “it’s all his fault. If only he would change, everything would be ok.”
My pattern of thinking became as follows: “I’m not happy in this relationship. But, I am not happy with myself either. Therefore, any relationship I might enter into will end up being the same. I will be unhappy. So I should just stay here, because he’s a good guy, he loves me, and I didn’t want to break up our family.” But there was a part of me that wondered if this was really true. I kept coming back to the same question: Is it ME, or is it US? Am I capable of being in a happy, healthy relationship? Am I capable of love at all? Did I love him? What does love even feel like? What does love mean to me? I questioned everything, and I’m still seeking answers to those questions.
At some level, I knew that if I were to ever find the solution to this rubik's cube, I’d have to start with looking inside myself for answers because as I wanted it to be all his fault, the answers weren’t “out there”, they were inside myself. That said, I needed help, so I began my quest.
The Crazy Wife
Although my marriage had been on shaky ground for years, neither my husband nor I had the courage or vocabulary or self-awareness to address our problems. I initiated conversations about how disconnected I felt from him over the years, but the conversations often ended in frustration and tears. So, we did our best to cope because we were both committed to keeping our family together.
I felt that although we got along ok most of the time, never had arguments, and were good partners in the daily responsibilities of life and raising our kids, something was missing. I craved a deeper connection, but I wasn’t able to verbalize what that meant to me, nor figure out what to do about it.
Was I looking for something that didn’t exist? We had a good life, why was I feeling empty? Maybe it was me. Maybe I was disconnected from myself. Maybe this is just how it feels after being married for 10+ years. So, I endured, and coped in unhealthy ways.
I complained to my friends and family, wrote in my journal, went to therapy, kept busy with the kids and work and hobbies. He kept busy with remodeling projects, sports, and advancing in his career. It wasn’t until the kids moved out that I felt ready to address our issues head on.
I had an idea in my head for how things might go once we faced up to our problems. We’d find a good therapist, look at our unhealthy patterns of communication/intimacy/connection, learn better ways to relate to each other, and live happily ever after. But I also wondered; Were these things fixable? What would need to change? Was the relationship beyond repair? Maybe it was just time for us to move on. Or maybe I was incapable of having a healthy, happy, intimate relationship. I had so many doubts and once I opened the can of worms, it was a long process of heartbreak, pain, confusion and growth. While it was happening, I felt like I’d be in a state of limbo forever.
I realized that before we could try and heal our marriage, I needed to heal myself. In addition to traditional therapy, I experimented with various psychedelics including 5Meo-DMT, Ayahuasca, MDMA, mushrooms, and cannabis. These experiences, along with integration (the most important part of the journeys) helped me work through childhood trauma, my mom’s death when I was 20, negative self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. I found my path to self-love, something I didn’t even understand until I felt it for myself. That’s what this journey is really about. It began with trying to heal the relationship with my husband, and ended up healing my soul. This path isn't for everyone, but I hope that it might shed some light on a topic that’s not openly discussed in our society.
I felt that although we got along ok most of the time, never had arguments, and were good partners in the daily responsibilities of life and raising our kids, something was missing. I craved a deeper connection, but I wasn’t able to verbalize what that meant to me, nor figure out what to do about it.
Was I looking for something that didn’t exist? We had a good life, why was I feeling empty? Maybe it was me. Maybe I was disconnected from myself. Maybe this is just how it feels after being married for 10+ years. So, I endured, and coped in unhealthy ways.
I complained to my friends and family, wrote in my journal, went to therapy, kept busy with the kids and work and hobbies. He kept busy with remodeling projects, sports, and advancing in his career. It wasn’t until the kids moved out that I felt ready to address our issues head on.
I had an idea in my head for how things might go once we faced up to our problems. We’d find a good therapist, look at our unhealthy patterns of communication/intimacy/connection, learn better ways to relate to each other, and live happily ever after. But I also wondered; Were these things fixable? What would need to change? Was the relationship beyond repair? Maybe it was just time for us to move on. Or maybe I was incapable of having a healthy, happy, intimate relationship. I had so many doubts and once I opened the can of worms, it was a long process of heartbreak, pain, confusion and growth. While it was happening, I felt like I’d be in a state of limbo forever.
I realized that before we could try and heal our marriage, I needed to heal myself. In addition to traditional therapy, I experimented with various psychedelics including 5Meo-DMT, Ayahuasca, MDMA, mushrooms, and cannabis. These experiences, along with integration (the most important part of the journeys) helped me work through childhood trauma, my mom’s death when I was 20, negative self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. I found my path to self-love, something I didn’t even understand until I felt it for myself. That’s what this journey is really about. It began with trying to heal the relationship with my husband, and ended up healing my soul. This path isn't for everyone, but I hope that it might shed some light on a topic that’s not openly discussed in our society.
Psychedelic Bliss: The God Molecule; Toad Medicine; 5Meo-DMT
Imagine forgetting everything: your name, your physical existence, your friends, things you've learned, books you've read, places you've traveled to or lived, people you love, your fears, desires, anxieties, needs, money, language. What's left? Pure consciousness, endless energy, eternal light, infinite expansiveness, connection to everything that is, was and ever will be. This energy is bound by nothing. It's part of the infinite and finite at the same time.
If you find that hard to imagine, you're not alone. Buddhist Monks spend a lifetime trying to achieve ego-death, or enlightenment, with limited success. The so-called ego-death, or ego-loss, is a phenomenon that many psychonauts are looking for and at the same time have their greatest fear of.
I can't vouch for all psychedelics, because I haven't tried them all, but from what I have gathered from my research, 5Meo-DMT is the most intense, and quickest, way to experience ego death. But back in 2017, I knew none of this. I was told, "the toad is like experiencing pure love". Sounded good to me.
Organic 5Meo-DMT comes from a rare species of toad native to the Sonoran Desert, which produces a venom containing 5Meo-DMT; an extremely potent natural psychedelic. It's also available as a synthetic, which is more appealing to most people, because the frogs can be left alone. Michael Pollon had a 5Meo-DMT experience while researching his book, How to Change Your Mind. His experience was not a positive one, which is why I am posting a link to it, because it’s important to see both sides, and since he is a respected journalist, it feels like the right perspective to share.
Although my experience was terrifying and then beautiful beyond words, I'm still not sure, four years later, if it changed my life for the better, or made things worse. It took me on a journey of self-reflection, helped me look at my childhood trauma and work through self-esteem issues, so in that respect, I feel much more emotionally stable. I love myself more than ever! But when it comes to romantic love, well, I'm still working on that one.
Once I decided to move ahead with this journey into my own mind, the universe led me to the right person, someone I had known for awhile and trusted deeply. A few weeks later I found myself sitting on a comfortable cushion on the floor of this friend’s house, we’ll call him Tim (not his real name) who had been facilitating these journeys for a few years. He was dressed in all while, had soft music playing, and had just finished explaining to me how the ceremony would unfold.
“Once I light the pipe and it fills with smoke, blow all the air out of your lungs, inhale, slowly, and hold your breath for as long as you can”, he explained.
My heart was beating so hard, I thought it would push right through my skin. But, I took a few deep breaths, inhaled as instructed, and within about 3 seconds, my mind went black and I felt like I was dying.
I later learned that what I experienced is called “ego death.” According to RevitalizingInfusions.com:
Certain substances, such as DMT, psilocybin, ayahuasca, peyote, LSD and Ketamine, taken in different quantities, have a strong reputation of being able to push the mind or soul over the edge, allowing it to seemingly detach from its bodily counterpart. Often hard to put into words, this can create a state that some have called ego dissolution, ego loss, or even ego death. According to new scientific research, these experiences can have a powerful and positive effect on mental health. People who scored higher on ego dissolution tended to be more positive and have a better outlook on their life after the experience.
Stanislov Grof explain it as such:
Ego dissolution is an ecstatic state, characterized by the loss of boundaries between the subject and the objective world, with ensuing feelings of unity with other people, nature, the entire Universe, and God.
The article goes on to explain why an encounter with the infinite possibility is so therapeutic, which has been a huge help in understanding why it had such a huge impact on me.
Once the terrifying feeling of crossing over passed, I entered a state that is near impossible to explain. So, I’ll share my journal entry from the next day, which is as close as I can come to expressing how it felt to be one with the universal energy that exists all around us, within us, and beyond us.
Feb. 3rd 2017
It all became perfectly obvious, in an instant. Everything made sense. Life, death, existence itself. The answer was inside me the whole time. It's inside of everyone, but with the possible exception of life-long meditators or monks or yogis, most of us can’t access this feeling from our “normal” state of consciousness. And to be clear, it was a feeling, not a visual experience like other psychedelics often bring on. I saw nothing, I saw everything. My eyes were closed the whole time.
I felt like I was breathing my first breath. Like I was being reborn. I am. I am expansive. I am beautiful. I am everything. So this is what they were talking about. All of the spiritual and self-help books, the intense workshops, the meditation teachers. I have everything I need right here, inside my heart, my mind, my soul.
But until I felt it, that expansive place in my heart, the place where I was connected to this very moment, everything that ever was, everything that ever will be, in this dimension or another, until I finally got it, that I was the source of my own pain, suffering, and freedom...only then could I begin the real journey to becoming a whole person, and share what’s in my heart with the world. Sing it, shout it, write it, dance it, create from it live it.
We all have this magic, this love, this infinite well of energy inside of us. It’s not about buying stuff, being successful, winning, raging war. It’s about connecting with each other. Allowing ourselves to be seen, to see each other, for who we are. Only by sharing what’s in our hearts are we able to truly connect with each other and the world. Being open. Vulnerable. Take the risk. Open our hearts, so that others can open theirs, knowing they are loved, they are safe, they are held. If we hold it inside, it eats us alive. This expansion, this universal love, it brings a freedom I never knew existed.
I can breathe...I am in the flow of life, I am life, not an observer. Not withholding, but expanding...love is all...it's everywhere we only need to open our heart and minds to receiving it. It's so beautiful...it’s easy, it's right here...just reach out and embrace it.
I had to shout it out: “I AM BEAUTIFUL...I AM EXPANSIVE...I AM EVERYTHING...I FUCKING GET IT!”
Open your arms, your heart...every breath is an opportunity to take in more love, and send more love out into the world.
It’s only when we get quiet...stop DOING and start BEING that we will be able to access this pure love...the world we experience as reality is just a distraction. Unless we take a moment to get quiet, it’s beyond our reach. We don’t give ourselves a chance to feel this. We are too busy, and too tired when we sleep.
Meditation can lead us to this bliss. It's a time to go in, not out. To have quiet, not noise. To access this universal love that lives in each of us, and connects us all. We can float on this love forever.
It might feel scary at first, but once you open the door, the door disappears. The walls disappear. The roof and the floor float away...all that’s left is infinite expansive energy...purity...it is birth, it’s life, it is death, it's everything in between. Some call it God, the creator, the entity, higher power. I have no name for it. It's in every cell of our bodies. Once you access this, you will know. Stop searching for peace out there...find it in your own heart, surrender to it, share it. Give it openly. It is your connection to the source of everything, to each other, to the natural world, to yourself, to the core of who you are. It's beautiful...magical.
When I came back into my body, and thought my journey was complete, I realized it had just begun.
As terrifying as it was to access this space of love, eternity, surrender and transcendence, I resisted reintegration. I wanted to stay there. I never felt so at peace. All of my problems, anxieties, worries were nonexistent and I accessed nirvana. But it wasn’t to be. Gradually, I returned to my body, trying to hold on to the feeling for as long as possible. When I finally opened my eyes, I was greeted by Tim, “Welcome home.” Those words took on a whole new meaning.
If you find that hard to imagine, you're not alone. Buddhist Monks spend a lifetime trying to achieve ego-death, or enlightenment, with limited success. The so-called ego-death, or ego-loss, is a phenomenon that many psychonauts are looking for and at the same time have their greatest fear of.
I can't vouch for all psychedelics, because I haven't tried them all, but from what I have gathered from my research, 5Meo-DMT is the most intense, and quickest, way to experience ego death. But back in 2017, I knew none of this. I was told, "the toad is like experiencing pure love". Sounded good to me.
Organic 5Meo-DMT comes from a rare species of toad native to the Sonoran Desert, which produces a venom containing 5Meo-DMT; an extremely potent natural psychedelic. It's also available as a synthetic, which is more appealing to most people, because the frogs can be left alone. Michael Pollon had a 5Meo-DMT experience while researching his book, How to Change Your Mind. His experience was not a positive one, which is why I am posting a link to it, because it’s important to see both sides, and since he is a respected journalist, it feels like the right perspective to share.
Although my experience was terrifying and then beautiful beyond words, I'm still not sure, four years later, if it changed my life for the better, or made things worse. It took me on a journey of self-reflection, helped me look at my childhood trauma and work through self-esteem issues, so in that respect, I feel much more emotionally stable. I love myself more than ever! But when it comes to romantic love, well, I'm still working on that one.
Once I decided to move ahead with this journey into my own mind, the universe led me to the right person, someone I had known for awhile and trusted deeply. A few weeks later I found myself sitting on a comfortable cushion on the floor of this friend’s house, we’ll call him Tim (not his real name) who had been facilitating these journeys for a few years. He was dressed in all while, had soft music playing, and had just finished explaining to me how the ceremony would unfold.
“Once I light the pipe and it fills with smoke, blow all the air out of your lungs, inhale, slowly, and hold your breath for as long as you can”, he explained.
My heart was beating so hard, I thought it would push right through my skin. But, I took a few deep breaths, inhaled as instructed, and within about 3 seconds, my mind went black and I felt like I was dying.
I later learned that what I experienced is called “ego death.” According to RevitalizingInfusions.com:
Certain substances, such as DMT, psilocybin, ayahuasca, peyote, LSD and Ketamine, taken in different quantities, have a strong reputation of being able to push the mind or soul over the edge, allowing it to seemingly detach from its bodily counterpart. Often hard to put into words, this can create a state that some have called ego dissolution, ego loss, or even ego death. According to new scientific research, these experiences can have a powerful and positive effect on mental health. People who scored higher on ego dissolution tended to be more positive and have a better outlook on their life after the experience.
Stanislov Grof explain it as such:
Ego dissolution is an ecstatic state, characterized by the loss of boundaries between the subject and the objective world, with ensuing feelings of unity with other people, nature, the entire Universe, and God.
The article goes on to explain why an encounter with the infinite possibility is so therapeutic, which has been a huge help in understanding why it had such a huge impact on me.
Once the terrifying feeling of crossing over passed, I entered a state that is near impossible to explain. So, I’ll share my journal entry from the next day, which is as close as I can come to expressing how it felt to be one with the universal energy that exists all around us, within us, and beyond us.
Feb. 3rd 2017
It all became perfectly obvious, in an instant. Everything made sense. Life, death, existence itself. The answer was inside me the whole time. It's inside of everyone, but with the possible exception of life-long meditators or monks or yogis, most of us can’t access this feeling from our “normal” state of consciousness. And to be clear, it was a feeling, not a visual experience like other psychedelics often bring on. I saw nothing, I saw everything. My eyes were closed the whole time.
I felt like I was breathing my first breath. Like I was being reborn. I am. I am expansive. I am beautiful. I am everything. So this is what they were talking about. All of the spiritual and self-help books, the intense workshops, the meditation teachers. I have everything I need right here, inside my heart, my mind, my soul.
But until I felt it, that expansive place in my heart, the place where I was connected to this very moment, everything that ever was, everything that ever will be, in this dimension or another, until I finally got it, that I was the source of my own pain, suffering, and freedom...only then could I begin the real journey to becoming a whole person, and share what’s in my heart with the world. Sing it, shout it, write it, dance it, create from it live it.
We all have this magic, this love, this infinite well of energy inside of us. It’s not about buying stuff, being successful, winning, raging war. It’s about connecting with each other. Allowing ourselves to be seen, to see each other, for who we are. Only by sharing what’s in our hearts are we able to truly connect with each other and the world. Being open. Vulnerable. Take the risk. Open our hearts, so that others can open theirs, knowing they are loved, they are safe, they are held. If we hold it inside, it eats us alive. This expansion, this universal love, it brings a freedom I never knew existed.
I can breathe...I am in the flow of life, I am life, not an observer. Not withholding, but expanding...love is all...it's everywhere we only need to open our heart and minds to receiving it. It's so beautiful...it’s easy, it's right here...just reach out and embrace it.
I had to shout it out: “I AM BEAUTIFUL...I AM EXPANSIVE...I AM EVERYTHING...I FUCKING GET IT!”
Open your arms, your heart...every breath is an opportunity to take in more love, and send more love out into the world.
It’s only when we get quiet...stop DOING and start BEING that we will be able to access this pure love...the world we experience as reality is just a distraction. Unless we take a moment to get quiet, it’s beyond our reach. We don’t give ourselves a chance to feel this. We are too busy, and too tired when we sleep.
Meditation can lead us to this bliss. It's a time to go in, not out. To have quiet, not noise. To access this universal love that lives in each of us, and connects us all. We can float on this love forever.
It might feel scary at first, but once you open the door, the door disappears. The walls disappear. The roof and the floor float away...all that’s left is infinite expansive energy...purity...it is birth, it’s life, it is death, it's everything in between. Some call it God, the creator, the entity, higher power. I have no name for it. It's in every cell of our bodies. Once you access this, you will know. Stop searching for peace out there...find it in your own heart, surrender to it, share it. Give it openly. It is your connection to the source of everything, to each other, to the natural world, to yourself, to the core of who you are. It's beautiful...magical.
When I came back into my body, and thought my journey was complete, I realized it had just begun.
As terrifying as it was to access this space of love, eternity, surrender and transcendence, I resisted reintegration. I wanted to stay there. I never felt so at peace. All of my problems, anxieties, worries were nonexistent and I accessed nirvana. But it wasn’t to be. Gradually, I returned to my body, trying to hold on to the feeling for as long as possible. When I finally opened my eyes, I was greeted by Tim, “Welcome home.” Those words took on a whole new meaning.
Death, Ayahuasca, and Healing
About thirty minutes after drinking the Ayahuasca tea, I laid down and closed my eyes. I was floating in the night sky. Blackness and white lights surrounded me. It was peaceful, calm, and beautiful. After while, the lights began to move. Traveling through a portal, I was surrounded by stars, black space, and felt connected to the energy of all that is. In a place between dreams and reality; my subconscious mind was activated. I was in both worlds; I felt light and free, like air. After what felt like hours, I reached the end of the portal, and was greeted by my grandmother, standing in a kitchen wearing her well-worn, red apron decorated with tiny flowers, the very same apron she wore back here on earth. My journey had begun.
Ayahuasca, a South American entheogenic brew made from the Banisteriopsis caapi vine, the Psychotria viridis shrub and other ingredients, contains the hallucinogenic drug dimethyltryptamine (DMT). It’s a traditional spiritual medicine used in ceremonies among the indigenous peoples of the Amazon basin, and has helped people, in more modern times, break through some difficult psychological blocks like depression and PTSD.
I didn’t travel to Ecuador for the purpose of doing Ayahuasca, I was here on an “eco-vacation” with the Pachamama Alliance; to learn how oil extraction was affecting the local communities.
But there I was, in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by my 10 fellow travelers, at dusk. In preparation for our journey, we fasted for most of the day, hiked through the jungle in the pouring rain, kayaked, in silence, in the lake, and set our intentions.
We each had a mat, water, a blanket, and anything else to keep us comfortable, because these journeys can be difficult, both physically and emotionally. We gathered around the shaman, who travelled all day to be with us, and the chanting began. One at a time, we were served a cup of ayahuasca tea that tasted like earth, roots, and bark. It wasn’t pleasant. We returned to our spots, and waited for the medicine to kick in.
My grandmother was smiling, as always, and told me how happy she was to be reunited with my grandfather and my mom, who had passed years before her time. My grandfather walked into the kitchen, and seemed at peace. They were together again and doing just fine. My mom, who had passed away at the age of 44 (I was 20) after a two year battle with ovarian cancer, walked into the room. It all felt so natural, like it was just another day. We hugged, and she said she was very proud of me and I was doing a great job raising my kids. She said she was always with me, every single moment of every single day.
Spending time with her mended a huge hole in my heart. I felt relief, joy, and like a burden had been lifted from my soul.
Next, I watched from a distance, as my mom engaged in conversations with my boys, one at a time. I wasn’t close enough to hear what they were saying, but it didn’t matter. In my heart, I knew they had met, and that was all that mattered. I know, in my conscious mind, that this didn’t happen in our "normal reality", but to my subconscious mind it was more real than anything. This is one of the magical qualities of ayahuasca; it opens up your subconscious to places you normally cannot access because it’s too painful. My mom finally got to meet my kids.
Ayahuasca, a South American entheogenic brew made from the Banisteriopsis caapi vine, the Psychotria viridis shrub and other ingredients, contains the hallucinogenic drug dimethyltryptamine (DMT). It’s a traditional spiritual medicine used in ceremonies among the indigenous peoples of the Amazon basin, and has helped people, in more modern times, break through some difficult psychological blocks like depression and PTSD.
I didn’t travel to Ecuador for the purpose of doing Ayahuasca, I was here on an “eco-vacation” with the Pachamama Alliance; to learn how oil extraction was affecting the local communities.
But there I was, in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by my 10 fellow travelers, at dusk. In preparation for our journey, we fasted for most of the day, hiked through the jungle in the pouring rain, kayaked, in silence, in the lake, and set our intentions.
We each had a mat, water, a blanket, and anything else to keep us comfortable, because these journeys can be difficult, both physically and emotionally. We gathered around the shaman, who travelled all day to be with us, and the chanting began. One at a time, we were served a cup of ayahuasca tea that tasted like earth, roots, and bark. It wasn’t pleasant. We returned to our spots, and waited for the medicine to kick in.
My grandmother was smiling, as always, and told me how happy she was to be reunited with my grandfather and my mom, who had passed years before her time. My grandfather walked into the kitchen, and seemed at peace. They were together again and doing just fine. My mom, who had passed away at the age of 44 (I was 20) after a two year battle with ovarian cancer, walked into the room. It all felt so natural, like it was just another day. We hugged, and she said she was very proud of me and I was doing a great job raising my kids. She said she was always with me, every single moment of every single day.
Spending time with her mended a huge hole in my heart. I felt relief, joy, and like a burden had been lifted from my soul.
Next, I watched from a distance, as my mom engaged in conversations with my boys, one at a time. I wasn’t close enough to hear what they were saying, but it didn’t matter. In my heart, I knew they had met, and that was all that mattered. I know, in my conscious mind, that this didn’t happen in our "normal reality", but to my subconscious mind it was more real than anything. This is one of the magical qualities of ayahuasca; it opens up your subconscious to places you normally cannot access because it’s too painful. My mom finally got to meet my kids.
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The scene suddenly shifted and my uncle, who had passed a few years prior, came for a visit. The message he brought was, “just have fun in life! Be happy, laugh, enjoy every day.” This was not surprising, as this was his way. He enjoyed life to the fullest.
I was visited by a few other loved ones who had passed, which brought me peace and closure because they had all passed away suddenly in car accidents or other horrific circumstances. In addition to having a sense of closure, my fear of death disappeared. Suddenly, I was back in my body. I could hear my friends purging, crying, laughing. I tried pushing those sounds away. I wanted to go back to my peaceful place, with my mom and grandparents! I was angry. “You are all ruining my experience! Stop making those sounds! Its upsetting me. I don’t like it." But to no avail. I was back in my body. I guess I got what I needed, and it was time to move on. |
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Suddenly, I felt a huge wave of empathy take over my body. I imagined everyone surrounded by a bubble of compassion, including myself. We are all connected with our pain, joy, grief, love. Their pain is my pain, and mine theirs, and I suddenly felt a deep connection to all that is, was, and ever will be. My body began shaking uncontrollably. I was thirsty, and I needed to pee. But I could not move. I felt paralyzed, while at the same time, acutely aware of my trembling body. I opened my eyes, and when one of our sitters came by to check on me, I asked for help. It took two people to lift me up to standing, and walk me to the bathroom. I never felt so out of control of my body. I suddenly understood how it feels to lose control of your body through old age, paralysis, or other illness or injury, and how it felt to be dependent on others for every little thing.
After a long and harrowing trip practically crawling to the bathroom, I became extremely nauseous. I tried to purge, but wasn’t able to. This feeling lasted for two solid hours. Eventually, it happened. My body was finally able to release the nausea, and I immediately felt better. My lesson: I hold on to things for way too long. I need to let things go that no longer serve me.
I crawled into bed, but wasn’t able to sleep. After a restless night, tossing and turning and in out of dreams about my mom and my journey, the morning came, and our group gathered together to share our experiences.
I spent the rest of the day recuperating, journaling, and processing my journey. Ayahuasca gave me exactly what I needed, and although I felt physically and emotionally drained, after almost 40 years of un-processed grief, I also felt free and at peace with my mom’s death. I was grateful for the medicine and for the Pachamama Alliance, who had brought me to this place.
After a long and harrowing trip practically crawling to the bathroom, I became extremely nauseous. I tried to purge, but wasn’t able to. This feeling lasted for two solid hours. Eventually, it happened. My body was finally able to release the nausea, and I immediately felt better. My lesson: I hold on to things for way too long. I need to let things go that no longer serve me.
I crawled into bed, but wasn’t able to sleep. After a restless night, tossing and turning and in out of dreams about my mom and my journey, the morning came, and our group gathered together to share our experiences.
I spent the rest of the day recuperating, journaling, and processing my journey. Ayahuasca gave me exactly what I needed, and although I felt physically and emotionally drained, after almost 40 years of un-processed grief, I also felt free and at peace with my mom’s death. I was grateful for the medicine and for the Pachamama Alliance, who had brought me to this place.